another perspective: parenting an adopted child

One of the greatest blessings resulting from our adoption journey has been meeting fellow travelers along the way.  Headed to South Korea for the first time, we were flying at 35,000 feet when we met some who would become dear friends of ours.  Jared and Sara are wonderful people, and their support and friendship have made our transition into parenting easier in so many ways.  They have four precious kiddos, all with busy schedules, but that didn't stop Sara from taking time and agreeing to write a post for me, which you'll find below.  I hope you'll enjoy hearing the perspective of experienced parents and how their parenting an adopted toddler with a language barrier makes previous parenting experience almost futile.

Parenting an Adopted Child

We met Jeremy and Sarah on the airplane to Seoul on our first trip to Korea in January. We live in Dallas and were on the Dallas to Seoul flight together. We were instant friends and spent some really fun time together sight-seeing in Seoul and talking about our sweet little boys. It was such a blessing to me to be able to talk with Sarah and process through our meetings with our boys and talk about how our lives were about to change! We have three biological children - Kyle is 9, Haley is 7, and Alex is 4 - and Jacob is our little guy from Korea. He will be 3 in June. We knew from reading books that parenting an adopted child would be different, but really had no idea what would be dealing with. Each child is different, has a different background and has a different foster care situation. Our custody day was extremely difficult and we soon realized that any experience we had with our bio children was almost useless. We felt comfortable with meeting his basic needs, changing diapers, giving baths, etc. But, we felt completely helpless as we watched him grieve the loss of his foster family. In the next few weeks as we traveled home and started the process of integrating him into our family, we realized that this will be a tough and life-long process. We can't raise him or discipline the same way as a child that has been with us since birth. We can't raise him the way our parents raised us.

One thing we are really working on right now is trust. We have not left him with anyone else & even when one of us leaves it causes him stress right now. 7 weeks ago his foster mom handed him to us and (in his mind) abandoned him. He can't tell us, but we know he is wondering every time one of us leaves if we are coming back. The majority of his fits and stress are caused by trust issues right now. I don't know how long it will take for him to trust us, but we will work on this as long as we need to. We have amazing grandparents that live here in town and we left our older three with them since they were babies. They knew we would come back, but Jacob had a traumatic event in his life when he came to live with us. The good news is that his level of trust is gradually getting better and better!

Another thing that was hard was waiting until he was ready for hugs & kisses. We were so in love with the pictures and waited 2 long years to hug and kiss him, but when he met us we were strangers to him. He didn't want us to hold him or hug him. He wanted to be near us, but not touching us. This was really hard for me, especially when he was grieving so hard those first few days! As his trust grows, he is a different little boy! Just in the last week, he started asking us for hugs and giving kisses. We are also learning by trial and error what discipline works for our strong-willed little boy. Mostly saying no and redirecting is working for now. Nothing we did with the older three kids works for him! The language barrier has been a huge challenge for us also. We can't explain the rules or what we are doing, where we are going or why we are doing something. We are starting over and it is difficult and frustrating some days. We have started using some time-outs for with him in a chair in our dining room. I sit near him, still trying to develop trust but hoping the he understands that his behavior is not okay. He is pushing the boundaries that we set for him, which is definitely normal for this age! This has been hard, but worth every minute! I love seeing more and more of his sweet personality as he gets more comfortable with us. He adores his brothers and sister and they love playing with him! He is a perfect fit for our family!

Disclaimer: We are FAR from being experts, this is just our experience. :)

(Sara, blessings to you, dear friend!!  Our late night phone conversations encourage my heart more than you know, even if they do cause me to look like a raccoon the next morning ;).

don't drink the dishwater

Sam,
You have such a servant's heart that is so evident in your eagerness to help with just about everything.  From helping your daddy work on the lawn mower or cut limbs to helping me sweep and wash dishes, you're right there in the middle of it.  "No job too big" seems to be your motto.

Your efforts and help do not go unnoticed or unappreciated by your daddy and  me, but there are some tips about washing dishes that I feel compelled to pass along to you.

First, the point of washing dishes is to get the dishes clean, not to get water onto as many surfaces as possible.  While we're on the subject of water...you seem to think that unless your shirt is soaking wet, no one will believe you just cleaned the kitchen.  This is not the case; the empty sink and clean counters are testament to your hard work.

Second, after I wash and rinse a dish, there's no need for you to sneak it back into the dishwater.  I assure you that I scrubbed it hard enough the first time.

Third, I was okay with you wanting to wash a previously used straw of yours.  However, I must draw the line at you using a straw to drink the dishwater, especially after that dishwater has already had a load of dirty dishes pass through it.  Drinking dishwater has nothing to do with cleaning the dishes.

There you have it--my best tips at how to improve your dish washing skills.  We'll see tomorrow if these prove helpful ;).

As always, love your totally cool and awesome, Mama

the trouble with shoe size

Imagine our surprise and delight when Sam randomly put on a new pair of shoes this morning!

 In between our oohs and ahhs, we realized there's just one tiny little problem....the new shoes are just a couple of sizes too big for him.  What a let down!  There he was, finally, in new shoes, and they were too big.

Not wanting to let the chance at success get away, I tried that old trick where you stuff Kleenex in the toes of the shoes to help them fit, but it didn't work.

With no clue of how to shrink shoes, we decided we had no other option but to go back to the old faithfuls, those little black shoes. ;)

one month home

Here's a quick summary of where we are one month later....

~Sam is learning more and more words in English.  While the sounds of English are still hard for him, he quickly understands the meaning of new words.  In the last week, we've noticed him trying to make new sounds and chattering a lot more with the new sounds.

~His bad dreams have improved tremendously, and he's sleeping through the night more times than not with each passing week.  (Thank for specifically for your prayers in this!)

~He attended church for the first time and had a good time showing out for our friends sitting behind us.  Maybe he thought he had to perform for the jelly beans that were being handed out by certain somebodies....;).  Really though, he was a good boy and sat through the whole service.

~His world is slowly expanding as he meets more and more people.  While he's doing well in this for the most part, there are still signs of anxiety at times when he's not sure of what's about to happen or what's going on.  During those times, he gets a little clingy to "mama" and wants to be able to see me and/or Jeremy.  I think this is normal for most any kid, but it's even more so for an adopted toddler who is in a completely different environment.  Patience and understanding go a long way and is very much appreciated.

~We had our first post-placement visit, which is a requirement for all adoptive families.  Not knowing what to expect, I was nervous, but it went well.  We'll have four more of these over the next year.

~The cats continue to be a target in his sights.  It's his goal to catch them and squeeze them...oh, if only he were a little quicker on the grab!

~And, Jeremy and I continue to have the very best time as we watch Sam explore and experience the world.  There's nothing better!

To God be the glory; great things He has done!!

house rules

My sweet Sam,
You've been home for three weeks now--three wonderful weeks!  We're amazed at how quickly you're settling in, but there are a few things we need to discuss with you in regards to say, um...rules.

Rule #1:  When we offer you food, there's no time limit on the offer.  This means there's no need for you to spit the food out of your mouth you're currently chewing in order to get the food being offered.
Rule #2:  The neutral color of our walls may seem like they need some color, but trust me when I say--they don't.  You're beautiful drawing belongs on paper and not the walls.  It's important for you to understand this, Mr. Pipsqueak Picasso; otherwise, you'll go from Pipsqueak Picasso to a mini Mr. Clean.
Rule #3:  The bathroom sink is not hungry and does not have a mouth; it does, however, have a drain.  And, anything put down this drain is lost forever, including your toothbrush.  So, no more putting things down the drain.  Got it?  Good!
Rule #4:  Even though there are times that I feed you a few bites of food, there's no need to return the favor.  Therefore, it's really not necessary to feed me, especially when we're having spaghetti.  Now, maybe one day, when I'm old and gray, I'll probably need your help with feeding myself, but until then, I'll take care of it without any assistance.
Rule #5:  I've never seen a two year old who has a mustache, so I'd appreciate it if you waited until you're older to experiment with what you would look like with one.  And when you do--many, many years from now--my purple pen will not be what you use to draw one on your lip.
Rule #6:  We're all in agreement that Pepper has lovely black fur, and we're all in agreement that she does not need highlights given by you with sidewalk chalk.  So, keep the sidewalk chalk for writing on sidewalks.
Rule #7:  Like you, Pepper likes peanut butter; however, she does not need to eat peanut butter off your spoon.  She doesn't ever need to eat anything off of your spoon, and most importantly, you don't need to eat off the spoon that you let her eat off of.  (Yes, I saw this happen...I know you thought I was occupied with the dishes, but I see everything ;).

Take these and study them because there may be a quiz at a later date.
Love,
your totally cool and awesome parents