In my head, I thought we would adopt again--probably when Sam was around four. The further we got from my plan, the more I started to believe it must be something to do with my mothering. I started to believe that if I were just a better mom, God would give me more children; Sam would have siblings. I just needed to do more, do better, and wait for God to send the siblings. I did not stop to consider that I was believing a lie.
When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44
One normal Sunday, PK's sermon focused on Satan's lies that hold us captive and God's truths that set us free. I remember him saying that he wanted broken chains to be left in the pews that day. There were no fireworks or bells from heaven ringing audibly, but chains were broken from around my heart that day. I had been believing the enemy's lie that I was unworthy--if only I was worthy enough as a mother, God would give us more children. The truth dawned clear and bright: the size of our family has nothing to do with worth and everything to do with God's plan for our family. My motherhood and worth is no longer held captive by the chains of Satan's lies.
Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free. John 8:32
Over the past few months, this has proved itself by a settled peace in my heart and mind. I have no idea if we'll ever adopt again, and I am completely okay with that. Contentment resides alongside peace.
Peace I give to you... John 14:27
In this, God--in His grace---met a need that I did not even acknowledge or realize.
Now, I find myself in a dark and difficult season, a season full of needs. More needs than I can count or realize. I go back to when God has met me exactly where I was, like that Sunday in October. I am in a different situation, but He is the same God. He will meet me here.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
